Funny

Our Camping Adventure-Once Is Good Enough

Tent

 

The wife and I spent some time cruising around the campground looking for the perfect spot to put our tent. We were rounding the corner and right in front of us was a perfect all grass spot. So excited, How could anyone of missed this great spot? I told my wife to walk back to the campground office and tell them we were taking spot 28 in the Gold section. We hadn’t been camping in awhile and certainly setting up this new tent we bought from Wally’s World might be somewhat of a challenge. Neither of the two of us were that mechanically inclined. We pulled out the directions,  first thing you have to do,right?  I was looking at all German section, then Japanese, had to be an English version. Ah!Here it is, located the correct language. We were fan dangling with the the poles and then had the tent upside down but we figured it out and the tent was setup.

The first thing I noticed was the amount of blackflies and mosquito’s. I didn’t notice at first but there was a small stream off to the right of the camping spot. This might be a problem if we get a lot of precipitation. Next thing and don’t forget, beer. This is must have after a long process of setup. Now with the first can down we proceeded to get out some bug spray. Honey! You know where the bug spray is? She didn’t have a clue and neither did I. So back to swatting the critters. I noticed my wife was getting welts all over her body. I never knew this to be a problem with her but on this day she was getting affected in a big way. She was starting to swell like I have never seen before. You might want to go inside the tent for awhile, I  think you are allergic. She proceeded inside and I finished up everything else. I put together a Wally world chair we had bought on the way up. I went to sit down in the new chair and the metal legs folded up , head over tea kettle I went. Glad everyone else camping around us were at the beach.

Things just didn’t seem to get any better as the day progressed. My wife decided to take a nap, or at least that was what I thought. I went inside the tent to wake her up so we can have a little time together, We were camping, right? I shook her, Honey wake up! She didn’t really stir that much and her breathing was somewhat labored. I shook her many times and she just wasn’t waking up. Her lips were swollen and getting blue. It finally clicked in that she was having an anaphylactic reaction to all the bug bites. I remember I had my Epi pen inside the center console of the truck. I pushed the plunger into her thigh. I could tell almost immediately she was improving. She opened her eyes and smiled at me. What’s up? She replied, not knowing what was going on. Oh, Nothing, just waiting for you to get up. I didn’t want to make a big scene so I didn’t tell her, I gave her an injection. I wanted a good retreat for the two of us and spending it at the hospital was not one of them. She got up and we decided to make some dinner.

The cooking was another issue. I forgot to bring the Coleman stove that her mother and father had bought us for Christmas. Honey, no problem I know your a little upset but I will make a campfire. You don’t know how to make a campfire, she replied. I was in the Boy Scouts when I was a kid, I replied. I found some loose paper in my truck, put a few sticks together and lit the fire. Phew, diverted this one when the fire took off. I could hear rumbles of thunder way in the background. I hope it misses us.

We are now sitting in the tent and it is raining cats and dogs. Ruff, Meow! The rating on tent stated it was moisture resistant but not rain proof. The rain was coming down so hard and it was very windy. I started seeing water pooling at the edges of the tent and moving closer to the sleeping bags. We couldn’t stop the rain and we tried everything we knew to try and dam up everything around but the water continued its path eventually soaking everything we owned, including the sleeping bags. The wife and I gave up on the tent and slept the night in the pickup truck. I woke up with a very stiff neck and so did she. It was time to find out how bad the tent handled everything. I unzipped the front and water started pouring out the front door. The sleeping bags were under water. We spent the next day at the dry cleaners getting the bags dried out. The sun had come out this day and we aired everything out. The next night, guess what? Another storm came in. There must of been a reason why no one chose this campsite. After further investigation I noticed the stream had overflowed and we were sitting in the middle of a small pond of water.

This one camping trip ruined us for many years until one day my wife told me about a fully enclosed camper for sale that her friend was selling. It was a no brainer. We were never to go tenting again. I do however know that just because a site looks beautiful at a campground it is not always the best.

D.H.Bilodeau 2016

 

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The Robin Exclusion

 

robin

I just witnessed a group of Robin’s in my backyard all huddled up. I got closer to see or hear what was going on. I overheard one, the larger one of the flock, whispering something, tweeting to the other. Here is what I presume he was saying. Look you guys, I know it has been a long trip from the South, I know Tiny, your wings are sore, we must move on. The map showed this as to be Vacationland, Maine, pictures were divine. The last I checked, temperature is now 28 degrees F. One smaller bird replies, ” I want to go back”. Again the leader tried to gather all of them but it looked from my vantage point that all of the birds were turning their back on their leader. Sad thing, April 3 and so cold in the North. Look fella’s, I know we went through that snow storm this morning but look it’s not snowing right now, correct? Some did looked his way but decided he was hogwash. The other birds decided to take flight and move south again. The little bird with the sore wing came back to the leader. Sir! I will stay with you if you believe it’s going to get warmer around here. We need to find a warm place, have any ideas? Well son, Let me think about this for a moment. I know of a nice place just North of here, You want to go? The little bird puts his head down shaking it back and fourth. Absolutely not Chief, I’m out of here.

D.H.Bilodeau 2016

Just Another New Years-Mayhem!

 

I hope everyone had a great year and celebrated like a champ. I was destinated and could not take part in this years festivities. Still to reflect back on a year of what my wife tells me ” Still above the ground”, I would have to agree with her. I recall one New Years celebration where I was handed one of those horns that blow out a snake. Well instead of blowing I sucked on it and the darn tube sucked right through the mouthpiece and got caught in my throat. I started gagging and everyone thought I was joking around. Me? Joke around! I was having a spasm like no other and was trying to heave the paper out of my throat when Melinda Parsons, My six grade teacher recognized the immediate danger I was in. WHACK! She hit me on the back so hard I almost passed gas. That clog of paper came out and fell into Jonathan Wilburs whiskey he had over there on the table. He stood up and was pissed like no other and came running toward me, like it was my fault. I was still gagging and saliva was pouring out of my mouth when Jonathan Wilbur started hollering at me so loud his teeth fell out and hit the floor, shattering into a gazillion pieces. The dance floor was littered with tooth fragments and I started hearing loud thumping sounds. The dancing people from the party were falling down, tripping on the white pebbles of teeth, falling hard to the ground. Someone called 911 because it was becoming a disaster in the place. Someone had to triage all the fallen victims. I had a little first aid in Mrs Grace’s 8th grade class so I started going to people who really looked bad. One couple did a split and I could tell that their hips were pointing in different directions, just not normal to look at. I got down on my knee and this is when a piece of tooth penertrated my patella. My kneecap was laserated right there and blood started flowing freely. Richard Millagan started wiping up the mess with his hanky. I could hear sirens in the distance so I was feeling a little better about some more qualified people coming in for the patch job. The cops, all one of them who was on duty couldn’t calm everything that was going on that night. He called for backup. Mutual aid from another town came with a response, one other officer. People were now getting up from the floor, drunkin individuals, you know who you are! begun yelling at the cops. I just tried to stay on the ground making myself a patient, faking how bad I really was even though i had some blood running on the floor. Well before long it was New Years and everyone there wanted their money back because the fun was taking right out of them, I cant say I blame them. One thing for sure is today marks the start of another year, Yahoo! We made it, (STILL ABOVE THE GROUND) Happy New Years. First story of the New Years, D.H.Bilodeau 2016

 

 

The Smart One’s

 

 

 

 

The smart ones. I cannot remember what the year was but it was time to take the ice shack off Brettuns Pond. I came over with my dad and we met up with my uncle Maurice who lived right next to the lake. I was still a teenager and full of piss and vinegar.  The problem that existed was the ice shack was way out toward the middle of the lake and in probably two and a half feet of slush. The slush was surrounding the ice shack. Being with the two smart guys, I was instructed to go out and tie a rope around the structure. They coiled the dryer rope around my shoulder.  I went to be the hook up man, tying it down for a pull. We didn’t have walkie talkies back then so hollering was a must. My dad and his brother used hand signals which they learned in the paper mills. I was looking up and my uncle is pointing this way,  my Dad is pointing the other way. I later found out this means pissing it in or out the deckle on a paper machine, or the edge of the paper. So my journey didn’t go off without some issues. During my excursion I slipped and fell, completely soaking my backside. It was a rather cool day so I was starting to get very chilled. I looked out and both my dad and uncle are sipping on a glass of snake bite they called it. I finally made it to the shack and secured everything. I look up and see the hand signs again. This time I understand they want me to get the hell out of the way. Ok, No problem, I give them both the piss in and piss out instructions. I looked out and both my dads International Scout and my uncles Dodge Ram Truck are pulling from the shore. They were taking the stretch out of the rope. Both vehicles have now gone the length of the driveway and not an inch of shack has moved. This is not going to be good, some smarts coming out of me at this point. It happened, SNAP, POING! The rope broke and like a sling shot it went completely to shore. The SMART ONES didn’t figure on this . Sip of the snake bite again, scratch of the chin from uncle Maurice. Lets do it again,they replied. I went again and this time they put block and tackle on a large spruce tree. Who knows, maybe this was the smartest thing of the day. I walked out, not falling I must add. I hooked the rope on again, gave the hand signals and off they went, two trucks hauling ass. POING- PING! The rope snapped again. I came back to the shore, again to meet up with them. I needed to find out what the third plan was. Can you make it again son? I replied no. They both looked at each other and looked at the level of the snake bite in their glasses. Both of them nodded in agreement that it was time to give up. This was the smartest thing I saw all that day. Who am I to decide when enough is enough, I respected my elders and would do anything for these two men. Good Day folks. D.H.Bilodeau 2015

Day of Scratch Tickets

 

I’m a little kid at heart. Down at the local convenient store waiting for my fries to cook and sandwich to be made when something glittered at the counter. My eyes are like a hawk with bad breath but I saw the glitter, maybe a gleam of hope, a sign of something wonderful about to happen. I moved over that way, zigzagging about through the other patrons to find a shelf full of scratch tickets, lots of them. I waited in line about fourth out when this lady who I always see buying her daily dose of scratch tickets was at the counter. Oh boy, Now I’m going to be here for ten minutes or more. Could I please have a number one-number-two and a number twenty-five, and twenty-three and ahhhhhhhhhhh! Five. The clerk replies back to the lady. What was the last one before the last one and the second one after the first? My aching back, come on. I am about to blow a head gasket and start hollering at them but kept a tight lip. The lady scooped up all her tickets, looked me in the eye, giving me the snarl of death. Great, I’m here to buy some scratch tickets I stated to the clerk. What number do you want? I WANT THE WINNING NUMBER! Like the clerk never heard this stupid line, no one behind me laughed either. LOSER on my back I guess. I took a five dollar don’t ya holler ticket and paid the cashier. I’m now out in my truck and feeling real good about this one. Heck, I never buy these things so a win for me has to happen. I reach way down toward the twins in my pocket and find one penny. Good, This will do it, penny from heaven. I started scratching like no other, I needed quick money. Show me the sugar baby. I’m getting anxious, I just feel it. Match any two and at present and you win TEN THOUSAND. Boom! Present and a match of two numbers. I look on the back of the ticket and read the rules over and over. Match two and a present. I have two numbers and the present. I’m scooting around in my seat, raising my hands high in the sky, hollering in joy, when standing at my drivers side window, pistol in hand, was the blond lady. Never expect to win so when you do you can celebrate. Good day, D.H.Bilodeau 2015

Rock And A Hard Place

stuck

 

Combing through the web this morning and I came across the saying “Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place”.  Ok what does it mean? I guess your decision’s of one way or another, you cannot make a decision based on barriers. An example from these pictures illustrates some.

 

 

mouse traps

So one can see from these pictures there is a choice to make and sometimes it is not an easy one. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’m sure all of us have been at this crossroad. Sometimes there never seems to be a choice, but there always is in the end. Good Day Folks

Bilodeau,D.H.2014

mmgoat

Here to Space

space

 

A new era in space exploration was tested today. The ship Orion with its massive rocket engines blasted off from Cape Canaveral, Florida . The many hours of building Orion and the engineers and technicians that worked on it must of been peeing in their pants. The rocket blasted into the third orbit which is fifteen times higher than anyone could imagine. It is understood that six astronauts will be able to ride this beast. The three men and three woman have been chosen for the first flight which will take place in 2021. The three girls are in kindergarten at the moment and the three boys are just entering first grade. Their teachers have singled them out because three of the boys can go to the bathroom on their own. This has impressed the teacher so much that she selected them. The three girls were the first of all the class to put ABC block together in order. The teacher, Mrs. Epstein,  is from a school in central New York which was chosen based on scholastic scoring at the school.

We have been informed from the National Weather Company that pockets of atmospheric conditions are going to happen because of the entry into Three Orbit. There is going to be freezing rain here tonight and it is 48 degree’s, certainly  an anomaly for this region. Some other weird thing is happening at the household that I have never seen before. I put two hotdogs on the counter and went into the living room. Upon my return I was astonished to find the hotdogs were completely cooked right there on the counter. I didn’t feel any heat wave or anything out of the abnormal. Something with Orion blasting into no man’s land that we are entering into unchartered regions and maybe this might be the end of the world as we know it. Hotdogs just don’t cook on the counter, this really has me worried if this was a right decision to enter these regions. I was also driving down Route 4 today and saw so much road kill. This is somewhat normal for this region but to drive ten miles and count eighty-six dead animals is unheard of.

I’m happy that NASA and all their research teams are jumping up and down, who wouldn’t be? There has to be some thought about what is at stake for us American’s. Can we afford our life to be affected just for science? I do not know that answer. I will sit here and ponder this question, maybe we should all think about this. What really will we gain by going to Mars, I don’t want to take the long trip. I cannot imagine having to wear a snowmobile suit year round. My spouse certainly would not wear one all the time. She would freeze before wearing one of those.

On a serious note, I’m happy for this endeavor of the Orion space ship and what it has accomplished today. Horah! Five thumbs up.

Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

Halo Around Me

halo

Why do people invade our space when there is a whole world around them. Go pick your own spot. For instance going to a shopping store. The whole parking lot is empty and the person just has to park next to you. Another is at the lunch table’s in the café, just has to sit right next to me. You know I like my own space, get out of my circle, cant you see the halo around me?

It just never seems to end. The other day I decided to go ice fishing. I look out and there is no one else ice fishing this pond. I am all cozy and my traps are set when I hear a snowmobiler coming my way. Yup, another one invading my space. This person also has set his traps right next to one of mine. He had the whole pond to set his traps, nope right next to mine. This is the guy, notice the trap to the left side of picture, he is setting his trap near mine.

2013-02-02 10.46.00

 

There are so many times that I feel crowded by people. If only they would take a minute and think about what they are doing. Maybe they do give a crap and I’m being a little sensitive, maybe I’m not aggressive enough. So what do you think? You ever feel this way about certain situations?

How about the times you are in a men’s public restroom and using the wall urinal. There is six of them on the wall and some dude comes in and just has to piss right next to you. Invading my space, it happens all the time around here. I wonder what the connection or magnetism to me really is. It must be the glow about me. Maybe it is like pigs in shit, or a fly on a shit shingle. I guess understanding why people do stuff is beyond my third grade education. Someday I might understand why people do things, for now I will just let it percolate. I just hope I don’t say or do something stupid and get myself in a verbal exchange. Good day everyone and keep your distance.

Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

Disappearing Pine Cones

me

I was out on the front lawn this morning collecting pine cones. I couldn’t believe how many dropped from the pine tree today. I wanted to make sure that I got them before the squirrels took their share. I really didn’t want to take all of them. I wanted to give the squirrels some to stock up for winter. I wanted a collection of cones so that I could do some crafty work with them. I take them and put wheels on them and dip them in paint to give them color but also to cover all the pitch spots. Around this area kids are buying these up at an alarming rate. I really do worry about the fate of the Northern Grey Squirrel. It was very windy and I could see a few cones falling from the tree. You have to be careful because if one of those hit you in the face it could do real damage, take your eye out if you don’t watch it . I was bent over and putting the dropped pine cones into my Scooby-doo bag when I heard a crack and then it happened. The limb fell down so fast I didn’t have time to escape it. The limb hit my shoulder first ,then knocked me to the ground, pinning me hard against the ground. I wasn’t knocked completely unconscious but I wasn’t thinking very clearly either. We live in a very remote area with the nearest house being five miles away. The traffic is very limited in this region, only Reggie and Martha up the road and John and Ruth up the side road. The chances of either of those family’s driving by where very slim.

I knew that I was injured badly but with the pressure from the tree I wasn’t losing any blood yet. I was thinking clearer now and decided I had to McGiver something to get me out of this mess. I knew that if I removed the tree that I had to worry about compartment syndrome. This is when something is closing off the blood then the pressure is released fast. Your blood pressure can drop in a hurry and put you into shock. You can die if fluid isn’t introduced into the blood stream at the same time. The other thing you can do for a last chance is to release  the pressure very slowly. I was going to take the limb I broke off and try to raise the tree off from me, ever so slowly. I was successful in removing the limb but now had to crawl back to the house.

I was about halfway  to the house when I look up and there at least fifty grey squirrels all around me.  They are carrying what looks like rope strands. One larger squirrel is standing on his hind legs and raises what looks like a crossbow. He pulls the trigger and a dart lands on my body. Another,then another, keeps hitting me, all the squirrels are armed and shooting at me. I’m thinking haven’t I seen movie like this, Gulliver Travel, or something like that. It was really happening and I was being tied to the ground. Was I going to be a meal for them? I didn’t know, but I was their prisoner and there was nothing I could do. One larger squirrel jumped up on my chest and walked up to my face. He looked to be the leader of this pack, maybe an officer in charge. Sir, the squirrel speaking up states,  You are now in the position of our control. You will not be harmed, we need some important information that we need to impregnate into your mind. What?  I’m thinking? Ok, I don’t understand, I was just picking up pine cones to be used for craft projects. Listen up! This is the problem we are having with you humans. Stealing our food, we have babies and family, we are not surviving winters anymore because you humans are using the cones for crafts. How would you control this situation? Sir, we have no other way but to impregnate you so that stealing our food is no longer going to happen. We will inject your brain with seminal acid which will wipe out your thoughts of stealing cones.

I opened my eyes, there I was laying on the ground. The sun was shining in my face,  my Scooby-doo bag was beside me, empty. I didn’t know why I was lying on the ground. I stood up, shook my head then went back inside the house. It was going to be a long day. So now why was outside again?

Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

Snow Up The Ying Yang

snow tahoe

I was watching the news channel this morning and the reports of all that lake effect snow that has accumulated in upper state New York is the big story. I was amazed at the fact this isn’t even winter yet. People have been literally stopped in their tracks. Major freeway’s with tractor trailer trucks stranded in the middle of a super highway. People opening doors to their houses and nothing but snow completely covering the opening. There is one major factor the news is not reporting. People are stuck in their beds and making love because they cannot do anything else. I really wonder if the population is going to climb from this one single event. Another serious issue is that dogs are peeing and pooping inside the residents houses. I saw one dog trying to go poop in the snow bank, poor thing didn’t know he was pooping on the cat that was below him. It really is terrible all the snow that the Buffalo Region is getting. I wonder where the name Buffalo came from. There must of been herds of Buffalo’s there at one time is all I can figure.

A real serious issue I’m hearing is the fact that snowplow drivers cannot even get out of the barn. Really with a ten foot wall of snow in front of the blades it is impossible to even get out of the gate per say. The ladies of Isabella are not having their Fall walk of the streets this time. They have decided to cancel this event. I can hear sirens going off from over at the Buffalo Fire Department but no one is going anywhere. I see all the firefighters with their turn-out gear on standing looking in awe, mouth’s dropping from what they are seeing. Clyde’s barber shop is closed today too. All the local boys like to hang out there and have coffee. No coffee for the boys today because there is no power.

People really become close in events like this. I saw the whole Balsalmo Family gathered this morning around lodge at Spruce Mountain, Ole Victor is getting out his skis now. I think even Victor is wondering if he is going to be able to hit the slopes with this much snow. Needless to say they can all go into the lodge for the 25 cent hot chocolate and talk about family matters.

I really cannot fathom the amounts of snow that New York has received because I’m looking out my window at only a dusting, I do however feel for them and hope that all that snow is removed in due time.  I have full faith in the Buffalo Public Works department that all this snow will be removed before the weekend. Enjoy your day, I have to go out and find my dog and cat.

Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

Player Of The Year

water boy

 

The whistle was going off and it was time. I looked over to the coach and he gave me a nod, a command of sort, to get out there and do my job. I started running from side to side and dodging other players, hitting shoulder pads from time to time. I got hit from the side and almost fell down, but with my sure feet that was not going to happen. I can hear the fans cheering and I look up at the time clock to witness that time is running out. I reach down into my container and pull out a water bottle. I bring it up to another players mouth, enticing him into a squirt of water hoping to rehydrate him. I am the Water Boy and proud of it. I look to the sidelines and get hand signals that it is time to come back off the field. The few minutes of adrenalin I received in that short moment had fulfilled me. I am the water boy and proud of it.

Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

The Old Shed

2014-05-24 08.22.54

The old shed in the yard is about to become firewood. It took a contractor to tell me it better end up on a brush pile to be burned later. I am about to embark on new beginnings and get rid of the shed that has become an eyesore. Why do I keep things so long in the first place? I like most people have a hard time of letting things go. I have saved old things around here just because someday I would need them. I haven’t used a lot of this stuff and it just sits around and rots. I have saved old nails and screws, old metal hinges from doors, every lawn mower, weed whacker I have owned. I know on some of this stuff I saved for the fact of having another piece of equipment around just encase the one I was using broke down. I have been without a riding lawnmower and had to push mow about three acres and decided that would never happen again. So today I have two of everything just about. Maybe it is the Mainer in me that I am a holder of stuff. I am not a hoarder by no means, but do like to have back up for equipment.

The old shed has been some cover for some stuff but it is falling down and needs to be cleared for a project that I am about to have done. The contractor needs to have the shed area because of bringing a dump truck into the area where the project is about to happen.

I am kind of sad to see the old shed gone. It has been a fixture around here for a long time. I have memories of that structure. Our kids have played around it and it has been a holder of my woodpile for many years. I will never forget the time our daughter went to get the riding lawn mower and a snake was hanging from the rafters. She sat on the seat of the mower and something caught her eye. It was a garter snake and was just above her head. She came out of the shed faster than lickity split and she never went in the shed again. I remember the time I started up the snowmobile and the throttle stuck. I pulled the cord and it lurched forward smashing through the wall in front. I remember the times I went in and bumble bee’s were everywhere. They were going down a crack in the floor and I had to put them to sleep. Probably a crazy thing now that I look back on it but I used starter fluid which has either in it. I never did see the bee’s again. Good thing I didn’t start the lawn mower for a couple of days either. I remember the winter that we had tons of snow which piled up so high and the shed held on for what she was worth to hold the weight. The shed didn’t do so well and now I have a good curve in the building. It is time to tear it down but I do have a lot of memories with the shed.

It is time to let her go and go back to earth where she came from. I’m going to miss her. See ya shed, you have been a good girl.

©Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

One Degree Away From SUMMAH

untitled

 

We still have frost on the pumpkin around here. The furnace is still running to keep some heat in this house. The woodpile ran out weeks ago and most people are just plain fed up with these cooler temps. For instance, I saw a very sad picture the other day of two children standing on the shore of their great fishing hole. They hiked through the woods with their dad to only be disappointed by the lake still skimmed over with ice. The law states around here in Maine that it has to be open water. They were able to fish because they tossed a ball out on the lake and had their dog fetch a few time. I saw fisherman the other day using a PVC pipe contraption the other day too. They stick this device under the ice from shore and the line goes through the pipe.

The other day I saw a couple driving a motorcycle with snowmobile suits on. They were also wearing their old ski jumping helmets and goggles from Lady Wellingham. Funny seeing people wearing the old snowmobile boots with the felt liners. I could have sworn I saw bread bags around the edges of the boot. This was used back in the day to keep the feet dry. Most of the boots in those days had leaks.

It is very sad to see the lumberjacks around here sitting on their front porches rocking in the chair and taking selfies of themselves with their Skidda’s in the background. The poor lumberjacks have nothing to do around here right now because they are between seasons. One being WINTAH and the other MUDD. There is not going to be SUMMAH season this year because WINTAH was extended.

The Firefighters around here have been so busy putting out stove fires and chimney fires. Most people ran out of firewood weeks ago and people are burning, literary, their undies. Really!  I saw a woman the other day burning her Ames Brand underwear in her outdoor wood boiler. A lot of people around here bought outside wood boilers and it makes no friggin sense to me why anyone would want to go outside in the freezing cold to stoak the fire. I wonder how Ames Brand underwear burn anyways? I have quite a few around here.

The farmers will have to have their cows warmed up this year by artificial insemination with heat modules inserted. The milk has been coming out creamy because it has not warmed up this SUMMAH so far. It is pretty weird driving down the road and seeing the lumberjacks and the farmers sitting on the same porch drinking Five Hour energy drinks mixed with Templeton Rye Whiskey. They really look like a bunch of goofs if you ask me.

The ladies around here have giving up on putting laundry out on the line to dry. We have so many ticks around here that the clothes on the line are starting to become an attractant. Also, it is so cold that I saw icicles hanging from one pair of jeans the other day from the crotch area. It was funny because it was hanging in a fashion that is looked like a weiner. Just no one getting a break around here.

I went out the other day to get some worms for fishing. My dad taught me when I was a kid how to fetch these little slimy things. You put water on the lawn after supper and then when it is dark you go out with a flashlight and the shiny slimy suckers will show up. You have to be quick and snatch them real quick or they will pull back in and go back into the earth. This one night I went to get them I could see ice crystals on the tops of their heads, or is it tails? Darn cold around here!

I know we will get a chance for SUMMAH sometimes, maybe it wont be until the flies are filled on the fly strip. Good day everyone-I’m going out to get some tick poop, I hear it burns good.

©Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

Just Another Memory

A kid

 

I have thought  often about times as a young child. I’m glad the memories are still tucked away in the older brain of mine. I can remember in the summer the kids and I would take pine branches and construct a tee-pee in the woods. We would spend all day gathering twigs and bowels for the walls. I can still picture the neighborhood boys all crunched up inside the tee-pee so proud of what we had all accomplished.

The pine tree within this patch of woods was a playground for all of us youngsters. Hey Dewey? You think we can climb that one over there? Geez I don’t know Bernie that is a tall one and the limbs are a little sparse. Maybe that one over there, or maybe not. The greatest feeling is when we found a tall pine tree and we climbed to the tippy top. The person who made it all the way to the top would holler down to the other boys. I have made it, Wahoo I’m the king of the mountain! One of my friends during the Estes Rocket days constructed a rocket that had a camera affixed inside the cone. When the rocket made its descend it would snap a picture. One of the lads was in the tree and the rocket took a picture of him atop the big pine.

We were also bad at times in those woods. The kids and I being the young one’s in the neighborhood would dig fox holes and put branches across them and then spread pine needles over the top setting a trap. We would get the older kids pissed off and they would chase us into the woods. We knew exactly where the foxholes were and the big kids would trip and fall. The big kids were very angry with us. What a laugh we had just watching this . Another trick we would play is take kite string and set trip wires. Oh, we were bad little kids.

We also had some bad adventures for ourselves. We had decided that tipping over old rotten tree’s would be so much fun. Hey! Watch this one fall and crash to the ground. The tree would fall and the dust would blow all over the place and the tree would burst apart. The only problem with the old tree’s was it also homed the bee’s and boy didn’t we get our asses whipped by bee stings.

I also remember, wow, my mind is digging here real hard.  The woods was also a place of rest. Meaning this is where we would bury our dead animals. Our cats,dogs,birds, newts, and about any other animal we could think of . We made headstones with rocks we would find in the woods and make crosses out of pine branches. Oh, Fluffy I wish you was still with us.

It is very sad what time can do to memories, but I do want to say that those nice pine tree’s are now probably in someone’s house because all the tree’s were harvested. I guess nothing last forever. My mind will probably be next.  I would really like to hear some of your childhood memories, we are all still kids in our mind right?

©Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

Ketchup Testing Results

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I’ve got to tell you one of my insane cravings that I have had for years. Good ole fashion Ketchup. When I was a young man the kids in the neighborhood would sleep outdoors in sleeping bags right smack on the ground. We had no tents and would swat mosquito’s all night. This one friend of mine would invite us to sleep at his place and his mother would always make a huge breakfast for all the neighborhood kids that were brave enough to sleep outside. The one thing that drove me crazy was the fact that their whole family would put ketchup on their pancakes. Ok, crazy I thought at this very young age and I repeated in my brain the word gross many times. The fact is that these people, my friends, were addicted to ketchup. I thought to myself that never in a million years would I do something as crazy as this.

People can do strange combo’s but this one took the clincher for sure for me. I would never try ketchup on pancakes but I have enjoyed ketchup through the years. I will put ketchup on mashed potatoes, and also on my mac and cheese. I like it on eggs just as much and will sometimes catch myself putting it on a piece of bread. Ok I’m not that bad really but do enjoy the flavor.

The FDICACIA Department has now put Ketchup on the top 100 list of reducing all aging on humans. It has been proven to grow hair in the topical form. Doctors say if you have an erection for more than four hours to go see your nearest doctor. This has been proven with a clinical test performed using fifty men. Other test were done on white lab rats and conclusive results were, not to use white rats again when testing with ketchup. Another test performed was using ketchup as a new tanning application but results show that too many test subjects were getting hives, this test was terminated.

FDIMECIA which is located in Maine has determined that as long as Ketchup is used in moderated doses that it will not cause you to have no teeth.  The next test performed in Maine with Ketchup will be in February 2016. This time half will be female and the other half men. They are looking for any aphrodisiac symptoms in woman this time. The foundation has just come out with ketchup packets and will be dispensing them at your local McDonalds outlets in your community. Stay tuned! Ketchup will now be considered right up there with 5 Hour energy drinks. People are talking about these new finds and  you will hearing a lot more about the health benefits of Ketchup. The only thing they don’t want you using ketchup for is fake blood. Doctors have been fooled in the ER room and don’t want this to be confused with real blood.

Everyone! Get on the Ketchup bandwagon! I’m doing my best to let everyone know.

©Bilodeau,D.H.

 

 

Give Me Some Of That Two Wheel Therapy

2014-04-04 09.45.49Therapy comes in all different types. I always wondered what two- wheeled therapy was. I have found this out all on my own. I didn’t need any therapist or doctors to diagnose my problems. Finally this year, I’ve decided to get me one of those two- wheeled bicycle’s. This one has an added bonus because it came with an engine. Smart people out there that put these engine things on these bikes. It was a cleaver idea because now you don’t even have to pedal.

Deciding upon which direction of travel I wanted to take, and what treatment was needed, I decided to head south on the bicycle. I started up the engine thing, varoom! Wow what a thrill to hear the engine thing start up. It gives me goose bumps and get the nervous system a super charge. My heart is starting to pound a little faster because of all the excitement. I sit myself down upon this seat and can feel vibrations all over my body. This is massaging my legs and my back muscles and I’m starting to feel real good and relaxed.

Turning at the end of the driveway I give it some throttle and the engine really blats out. I’m smiling now and I haven’t even left the driveway yet. Varoom!  I’m off to another place. I can feel the wind blowing in my face and the scenery is amazing through these new sunglasses I bought. I can see pretty good now and my mind is starting to relax. Moving on down the highway, something I noticed, people are out raking their lawns and with the noise from my engine people are lined up in their neighborhoods before I arrive. It felt like I was in a parade. These people are smiling at me and I’m smiling back at them. One guy in his driveway put his rake down and gave me a thumbs up and waved. What the heck is going on around here? I’m getting an overload of therapy today. I keep driving south on Route-4, toward  a place of nowhere. There really is no destination in mind, I’m just out getting my treatment.

You know, I’m starting to think real hard about this two-wheel therapy and I’m really starting to understand that I should have bought me one of these motor bikes a long time ago. I have returned back to the house and back from my hour long appointment with the two wheels and an engine. What a treatment it has been……… I’m going to make sure to schedule another appointment again real soon.  Good day everyone- Go out and find some treatment like I have, You will not be disappointed. Thanks Doctor?

The Haunted House

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Tales of the haunted house. I was only nine years old and the kids in the neighborhood had told me that they heard a piano playing in the haunted house one night. That place is spooky said Nard and Unie, childhood nicknames.

I grew up in a very rural country area where farming was a business or necessity for most of the people. From my backyard, or to the edge of the back of my parents property, was a cow pasture. The kids in the neighborhood and I would play in these fields dodging cow patty’s and pucker brush. In the far distance and too far to see from where I lived was an old broken down house we called the haunted house.

The time is winter and my dad had bought an old snowmobile that required changing the spark plugs all the time because one side or the other was always fouling. This was very normal for sleds back in the day. My dad had taught my brothers and I how to change a plug. You get the tool-kit from out of the back and counterclockwise to loosen. He would always say lefty loosey, righty tighty. The other trick was to pull the pull cord several times to get some gas in the cylinder. He always kept a bic lighter in the back and you would put it over the open cylinder and touch it off. It would burn the old gas and then you would put the new spark plug back on and usually it would run.

One night I was driving by the haunted house and the plug started to foul. I stopped right in front of the haunted house. I was getting the tools out to change the plug when I heard music playing. Someone was playing the most beautiful piano I have ever heard. I then heard something bang within the house like a chair tipping over. My eyes widened and I started to get very scared. I thought someone was going to come out and grab me so I started running down the snowmobile trail as fast as I could run. It was about a mile back to the house and it was pitch dark outside. I was running and looking back and not seeing anything. I heard a howl within the woods. Now I’m really scared shitless and my pace increases like no other. I finally got to the fence line behind my parents house and tears are running down my face. I reached the house and start hollering for my parents.

I reached the porch of the house and my mom and dad came out to see what all the commotion was . What is going on son? I broke down at the haunted house and someone was playing a piano. My dad looks at me and tells me there is no such thing as a haunted house. I’m  looking at him and thinking how can I reply to my dad with an answer that would make him believe. I didn’t have an answer. My dad was not too happy because now he had to go to the haunted house in the morning to retrieve the sled which required him to walk a mile up the trail to get it.

The kids in the neighborhood still talk today about the haunted house and one of my cousins who lived on the street came to visit it a few years back just to see it again. He told me someone bought the property and tore down the old house and had a new home built. I don’t blame them for tearing it down, it really was haunted, I know it.

©Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

Winter Summerland

HQ-Winter-Fun-Images_3096035There is no time left of summer. The winter has overflowed into spring here and now is on its path to take over summer. The Maine winter has been horrible or great to whoever you talk to. The skiers and snowmobilers are so excited that skiing will be in place July 4th this summer. The lodge at Sugarloaf is hosting an Olympic  Championship ski race July 21st this year.  Snowmobile shops have their doors open and sleds all the way from Lewiston to Carthage are selling out fast. The kids are excited this summer because it is the first time ever that they can ice fish with their dads in August instead of going to double practices for football in the blazing sun. The cheerleaders are excited this summer too, they don’t have to wear those mini skirts when doing summersaults for the August 29th championships in Sanford Maine. This summer they will be wearing snowmobile suits with helmet’s and driving snowmobile’s to practice. The schools around here have closed most of their doors and they refuse to pay for heat this summer. The Area Youth Sports Group here cannot afford the cost of heating the building’s this summer. I have seen a lot of changes around here. Usually this time of year we are swatting blackflies and mosquito’s but this year we are dwelling on the fact that winter will go into winter and we will not get a chance to eat our own garden cucumbers. The only thing leftover from last years garden is the parsnips and carrots. I’m just not sure I will be able to pull them out of the frozen ground. I tried tying fishing line around one carrot and hooking it to my four wheeler but the line keeps snapping and hitting me in the frozen butt.

The scientist have been studying all the effects from the earth shifting in place by .0002365 degree’s and are not sure if we are going to end up like Noah’s Ark in the future.  I hear that Sunny Florida is now the coldest place on earth at the moment. It is very strange that Mt. Washington is the tropics now , Canadians are shinning up their speedo’s in preparation to let it all hang out.

Firestone Tire company had to order one-hundred more sets of winter tires. The people just in my region alone have worn out their treads, most are now putting studs on their tires too. I went for a walk the other day and kept finding all these metal pellets. For the sake of god I couldn’t figure out what these metal pellets were. I finally figured it out, the studs from tires. I’m going to complain to the local authorities of this town and give them a mouthful for what it is worth.

The kids around here or especially the boys have all but giving up on their Tonka Trucks and Hot-Wheels. With no chance to hang outside and play, they have giving up on the most recognized toys of American. GI Joe is still a big seller around here and Barbi has lost her appeal. You know Barbi is Fifty Years Old with a pot gut? Time has not been on her side.

Winter year round is going to drive most of us people around here to drink. I know this for a fact because I saw two old church ladies drinking a PBR at the local Convent. One of them opened the door outside and asked the other one if she wanted a cold one. Maybe they were not drinking and they were just letting fluffy the cat in. I don’t know and really don’t care.

The local plow companies around here are out of sand again for the hundreth time this year. Oh, Smitty? Can you drive down to the Wayne desert and dig up some more of that historic sand? The town roads are in horrible shape and the studs on the tires have been digging up the roads. Winter cannot go on like this! There has to be a break. I have an idea. If everyone on the East Coast goes over to the West Coast that maybe the earth will flop back into position. Come on engineer’s! You can dock a space ship going 26,000 miles a minute cant you? We American’s are smart folks and sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns. You don’t need a doctorate degree to figure stuff out around here, just a little common smarts.

Stay warm folks, I have but all used up my allotted wood for the season. I thought I would be clam digging by now.©Bilodeau,D.H. 2014

Motorcycle Pepe’

2009_v-star_650_classic_right_sidesmallI am about to take an endeavor like no other. The crazy wild me has determined that life is too short and decided on a chance to win a bid on a motorcycle. The call came in and I was the high bidder. Wahoo! Now what? I pulled out the old snowmobile helmet, exact words from my wife. That is a snowmobile helmet! Hey, That is all I have and I’m going to use it. You have to use what you have at the moment. The biggest worry for me is getting that motorcycle out of the lobby of the bank without tipping it over in front of all the local bank dwellers, most of which I know by person. I can picture myself putting the kickstand up and the motorcycle doing a timber.

The next endeavor, is when and if I do, getting the motorcycle out of the bank and hoping that it will start. The bike has been sitting in the lobby for over a month. I’m not sure the battery is any good. I do have a backup plan for that. I have one of those jump start units, oh that reminds me, bring tools to take covers off.  I haven’t had a motorcycle for almost 20 years now and just getting familiar with all the controls will take a minute. First find out where the key switch is located. Then where the gas switch is located. The wonderful world of the internet has provided me with some information so I’m not totally clueless. I did however find the most valuable bit of information. If the kickstand is down and you put the motorcycle in gear it will shutdown the motorcycle. For once they got something right. I can remember many times when younger I had to find out the hard way with the kick stand down and trying to corner in that direction.  I hope it warms up a little before I take this ride back to my house. It is only 30 deg F and a tad cold for a motorcycle ride. It is suppose to warm up to 43 F today so it might not be as bad. I will dress up somewhat warm, I only live 15 minutes from the bank. The picture on post is not actual bike but same as this year and color similar.

Watch out world because this grandfather is hitting the road. Good day everyone.

©Bilodeau,D.H. 2014